"In a world where there are no scriptwriters..."

I received feedback from a business proposal the other day. Usually we get comments like, "Why have you included this?" and "Why haven't you said that?"

This particular feedback contained advice on grammar and use of English.

I was appalled, as you can imagine. One piece of advice was, "There's no such word as 'won't'."

Sadly, I'm one of those people who, as soon as someone says, "Did you close the front door when you left?" has to check that I did. So now, faced with troubling doubt over the validity of my self-proclaimed linguistic prowess, I was really wondering if there was no such word as "won't."

It brought back memories of sullen Sunday afternoons, rolling sprouts around a gravy-soaked plate, hiding them under the stripped bones of pork chops, face pulled, and my mother barking, "There's no such word as 'can't'!"

Both "can't" and "won't" are there in the dictionary, of course. But then so is "godammit", and that's never been a word in my book (what book?).

Even so, it was right and proper that following this mighty victory I had a rant in the office, finishing with a polite email in reply, along the lines of, "I won't be drawn into a lecture on English" and "Come back to me, won't you?" though resisting the temptation of using bold type.

Speaking of bold, it's good to hear that the people who the make the Hollywood stars - scriptwriters - are striking. They want a bigger slice of the pie from DVD sales. Is this an opportunity for scribes on this side of the pond to get their work in front of studio execs?

I'd love to write film trailers. I want to hear my words spoken by that guy who's got rocks in his throat. "In a worrrrrld where there are no ruuuuules...one maaaan...against all the ohhhdds..." See? It's just so easy. I'd get Voiceover Man to give us his growling treatment to something twee: "Once upon a time, in a worrrrld with talking rabbits, Flopsy, Mopsy, Coddon-tail and Pederrrr..." Then you have to add in: "It's the motion picture event of the yeeeaarrr..." And then throw in some credentials: "Academy Award Winner Flopsy, Golden Globe Award Winner Mopsy..." (with capital letter captions, naturally) and so on. I suppose with animation we'd have the voice cast: "Desperately in need of work Demi Moooore, far funnier when you can't see him Eddie Murpheee, and token cockney Brit Bob Hoskins...in the comedy motion picture event of the yeeeaaarr..." (See what I did there? Clever, eh?)

All we need now is an Andrew Davies script treatment of the Tale of Peter Rabbit, ("Dahhling, delectable Flopsy, my lips yearn for the tickle of your damp whiskers! I long to caress the furry contours of your paws! Let me put you in a pie and gobble you up!" "Ooh, Mr McGregor, you do tease so!") and we'll be on our way to movie fame!

Or maybe I won't be.

I'm aware now that a fellow writing student will be asked to critically review my blog. That's ok. I'm an amenable guy. I have a great sense of humour and can laugh at myself as easily as I would laugh at anything else.

BUT SLAG THIS BLOG OFF AND I'LL KILL YOU!

Only kidding. In fact, I'd like to help you in your critical analysis. Feel free to disagree with any of my findings:

Intended audience: You

Power relationship: Married for 10 years, and yes, She rules.

Phonology, technique, lexis etc: I'm really not that clever. Sorry. You can question my sanity if you like, though.