It's not AIDS. It's not SARS. It's not Osama Bin-Lid, nor even feathered-friend 'flu.
No. It's swine 'flu! And it's coming to an over-reacting GP near you!
Let's start with the basics: the name. Swine 'flu. I understand 'flu can be pretty awful, but if you're going to be rude about it, then do it properly. What's wrong with calling it Bastard 'flu? You can really get your teeth into that. "I've got Bastard 'flu!" It just sounds better.
The really scary thing about Bastard 'flu is that, unlike bird 'flu, you don't have to be having sex with a runny-beaked chicken to get it. All you need to do is sit in your GP's waiting room where someone else sneezes. Oh no! Now I've got Bastard 'flu!
The news media love it. Especially TV. The boring, endless credit crunch had knocked the stuffing out of Fiona Bruce's hyperactive eyebrows, but now they're bouncing round with glee again thanks to the spread of Bastard 'flu. Gives reporters a chance to wear surgical masks and look like they have real news to report on. "We've been told to wear this for our own protection," they pronounce earnestly. Yes, and it conveniently hides their mouth as they grin at the preposterous scaremongering they're inflicting on us all.
There are two things you need to do to avoid getting Bastard 'flu: Turn the TV off, and act as normal.
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